I return to you with the return of “thinking time,” which I honestly haven’t had since March. In my time away, I’ve experienced some life-defining highs and lows.
Things That Have Happened to Me Lately
On March 22, 2024, I lost my unbelievably brilliant grandmother and role model, Joyce Ann Rose. It wasn’t completely unexpected, as she was 81 years old and her health was starting to decline, but I certainly thought we had more time together.
I was fortunate enough to travel to Los Angeles for a final goodbye while my grandmother was in the hospital and still responsive to touch. I’m beyond grateful that my family and I could hold her hands as she passed, peacefully and in her home – and to the unforgettable hospice nurses who helped us. One of them had the kindest, firmest brown eyes I have ever seen.
Still, the whole experience of saying goodbye feels like it was somehow too long and not long enough. Also, my grandmother’s death still doesn’t feel entirely real to me – even three months down the line. I keep expecting her to reappear, sad to have missed certain life events.
I keep feeling like I should call her or send a post card… before remembering.
I have been writing about it, a lot. A few stories; a couple that I’m proud of. Mostly poetry, or stray lines of grief here and there.
I’ve already shared some of my writing, and I hope to share more when it feels less raw, or when I feel braver (or both).
On the absolute opposite end of the spectrum of human experience, I got married! Sam and I basically got a week of pampering and partying and food and booze, which started with a weekend in Paris and ended with us sloppily eating room service in a fancy hotel room, exhausted.
Actually, the celebration ended in us kissing our loved ones goodbye while we rushed back into real life and brewed homemade elderflower champagne to commemorate the occasion. The whole experience was just marvelous and I’ve never felt so beautiful and so very loved.
Speaking of, I think everyone should get to spend 4 hours in hair and makeup and wear the designer dress of their dreams, even if they don’t get married. I really think anyone could be a movie star if the stars aligned. It was fun to be so celebrated, even for a day. I felt famous.
I also got to have my bachelorette party, which is honestly the best night out I’ve had since I was 22. All my girlfriends got along so much better than I expected, and I feel really proud of the community I have built – here in Heidelberg and beyond. It was so special to have my loved ones from near and far with me for the weekend, even though I missed those who couldn’t be with us.
I would love nothing more than to show my wedding pictures to my grandma, even though I know she wouldn’t have missed the celebration for anything if she was still around. Talk about highs and lows.
Evening Out
Fortunately, things have been evening out lately. I just finished hosting a panel on censorship at my first ever academic conference, and I’m really digging into my classes, as my current semester will end in July.
From funerals to weddings to conferences, it has taken me some time to even out and start thinking clearly again, but I am getting there. I recently defeated a reading slump thanks to Mona Awad’s Rouge, which I’m really enjoying, and soon it will be time to bring creative writing back to the front seat.
I just have to keep reminding myself that there will be time, and that I don’t regret in the slightest how I am spending my time now.
I feel so lucky to have such a lovely family who needs me from time to time, to have this incredible community and occasion to celebrate, to have found someone to share my life with, and to study literature and culture with such seriousness and support!
Gotta remember to see the forest through the trees because it’s a pretty great forest. Especially now, when the hills are so green and my home feels like a true fairytale. There’s something about spring and early summer that makes you forget all about the winter.
A Final Note: Shrinking My Community
One other thing that I’ve been thinking about and wanted to share with you, dear reader, is the idea of community.
I love having a community that spans basically the entire world at this point, but I’ve been online a lot trying to keep up with everyone and everything, and that always leaves me feeling overwhelmed and spread too thin.
As I head into the summer, I want to be more present and intentional with the people I physically interact with every day – whether that be with Sam or with the duo who sell me my daily gelato – and get back into keeping my (physically) far away friends closer through letters, phone calls, long emails, and other meaningful interactions (instead if just Instagram likes).
I also want to decide which parts of myself to keep close and which to share. I know I want to share more of my writing, so I want to come up with a strategy for doing just that.
I do hope you’ll stay tuned!
And of course, stay in touch. There’s always room in my circle for deep, thoughtful communication. I really do think that when we focus on our inner selves and inner circles, expansion happens naturally, so even though I want to “shrink my community” right now, the goal is always to build something bigger and better and touch more lives in a more positive way.
If I learned anything from my grandmother, it’s that the only thing that matters is how many lives we touch along the way. I hope I've touched yours today.
In the end, I hope I can be half the woman she was.
Thank you, as always, for reading!
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